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Folks,
Upon receipt of a sternly worded OSHA letter concerning the rash of preventible accidents by untrained AC Forum members utilizing the SEARCH feature, we hired a consultant to write detailed instructions, develop a six-week training program, and require each AC Forum member (even the Luddites) to pass a 100 question test, lest this forum be subject to considerable fines and penalties. Unfortunately, 73 cents in loose pocket change and an expired discount coupon for 'fried taters at Waffle House yielded only the following:
1. Provide yourself with a suitable beverage and a substantial quantity of food prior to operating the AC Forum search engine. A number of members have suffered from severe dehyradtion and at least one has become emaciated to the point of needing hospitalization after being unable to separate himself from the computer for weeks on end. Ironically, this latter fellow made the mistake of looking up the word "pie," and could not quit until he read all 8,251 threads on the subject. (Since the last server crash, many of these threads are g-o-n-e forever.)
2. Stay seated, and make and maintain eye contact with the forum tool bar listing such handy buttons as "Research Articles" and "Approved Vendors." Note the word "Search" corresponds with "Search Engine." Owning and using a chair with OEM (Original Equipment Manufacture) Roll Over Protection (ROP) is an excellent safety feature, especially for those times when someone decides to look up a rarely mentioned subject, such as "haversack" or "tarred cloth" and the volume of hits causes what is known in the industry as the "TCRO" or "Task Chair Roll Over." Aftermarket office chair ROP kits are not as effective as OEM, and have been known to snap completely off the chair as it impacts the chair mat.
3. Before grasping the mouse, ensure both feet are planted firmly on the floor (preferably on a non-skid surface) and the other hand is grasping the armrest of the chair. Balance is not required, but highly encouraged. The more buttons the mouse has, the better the search feature works. Machine sewn mouse buttonholes are strongly discouraged.
4. Using the mouse, click the word "Search" on the menu. Single click only, as double clicking sets off the NORAD launch sequence. Notice how the drop down box contains an empty box where the user can type in a word or several words. Did anyone tell you to type in anything yet? NO! Backspace that "Enfield" search! Good, now also notice the "GO!" button. This has nothing to do with "Go Dawgs!" or "Go Hokies!" Stare at this for a while.
5. While you are staring (Step 4) notice the wicked cool choice of "Show Threads" or "Show Posts." If you have to ask "what's the difference?" please stop now, and sell your computer on eBay (no reserve) ASAP.
6. DO NOT CLICK THE ADVANCED SEARCH OPTION AT THIS TIME, lest your head explode, your tard cloth spontaneously combust, the urine-soaked buttons suddenly become bright as newly stamped, and all your hardtack remain mold free for the duration of the hobby.
7. Enter a word into the box. Pick something rarely mentioned on the forum, such as "burnished." See what happens. If you received a few hits reward yourself by having some drink and food. This provides a positive connection for the living historian to remember at a later date how much the search engine yields rewards for positive performance. (Unfortunately, this also leads the living historian to drool all over his keyboard like Pavlov's Dawg whenever he uses the search engine, but we are working on that aspect of the forum.)
8. Now, for the next step. Ready? BOTH FEET ON THE FLOOR, DANGIT! That's better. Okay, take a few moments to find and figure out how to operate the quotes on your keyboard. Kewl, huh? In archaic English, folks used to use punctuation, but that is a topic for the ancient history forum; however, here you can toss in a couple of words into the search engine and bookend them with quotes? Try this word "library" without using quotes. Give it a couple of moments, and explore your results. Good. Now look up "interlibrary loan" and see what results appear. That's even more way cool than ever before. Yes, if you are under the age of 50 you may need an online dictionary to find out the meaning of the word "library, but at least you can find a few threads with this somewhat obsolete word. Dinosaurs like myself actually remember when libraries had books instead of just DVDs, CDs, and Internet access.
9. Try a few more obscure searches, including, but not limited to:
-knapsack
-oxen
-haversack
-Hoosier
-blanket
-Sutler
-socks
-Sucker
-bayonet
-desiccated
-hardtack
-bayou yeti
-pie
10. Kick back (but don't knock the chair over again) and enjoy the fact YOU can now safely use the AC Forum SEARCH ENGINE thanks to the skills learned in this extremely valuable training session. Your signed certificate of completion (suitable for fire starting) and User's Permit (backup fire starter) will be mailed to you at some point in the future.
Important Note: At this point in time we have no hard scientific evidence to prove or disprove lining your forage cap with aluminum foil improves the AC Forum Search Engine user experience.
Thank you, and happy hunting!
Next: Why "FAQ" translates into "Please Ignore" in 117 different languages....
Upon receipt of a sternly worded OSHA letter concerning the rash of preventible accidents by untrained AC Forum members utilizing the SEARCH feature, we hired a consultant to write detailed instructions, develop a six-week training program, and require each AC Forum member (even the Luddites) to pass a 100 question test, lest this forum be subject to considerable fines and penalties. Unfortunately, 73 cents in loose pocket change and an expired discount coupon for 'fried taters at Waffle House yielded only the following:
1. Provide yourself with a suitable beverage and a substantial quantity of food prior to operating the AC Forum search engine. A number of members have suffered from severe dehyradtion and at least one has become emaciated to the point of needing hospitalization after being unable to separate himself from the computer for weeks on end. Ironically, this latter fellow made the mistake of looking up the word "pie," and could not quit until he read all 8,251 threads on the subject. (Since the last server crash, many of these threads are g-o-n-e forever.)
2. Stay seated, and make and maintain eye contact with the forum tool bar listing such handy buttons as "Research Articles" and "Approved Vendors." Note the word "Search" corresponds with "Search Engine." Owning and using a chair with OEM (Original Equipment Manufacture) Roll Over Protection (ROP) is an excellent safety feature, especially for those times when someone decides to look up a rarely mentioned subject, such as "haversack" or "tarred cloth" and the volume of hits causes what is known in the industry as the "TCRO" or "Task Chair Roll Over." Aftermarket office chair ROP kits are not as effective as OEM, and have been known to snap completely off the chair as it impacts the chair mat.
3. Before grasping the mouse, ensure both feet are planted firmly on the floor (preferably on a non-skid surface) and the other hand is grasping the armrest of the chair. Balance is not required, but highly encouraged. The more buttons the mouse has, the better the search feature works. Machine sewn mouse buttonholes are strongly discouraged.
4. Using the mouse, click the word "Search" on the menu. Single click only, as double clicking sets off the NORAD launch sequence. Notice how the drop down box contains an empty box where the user can type in a word or several words. Did anyone tell you to type in anything yet? NO! Backspace that "Enfield" search! Good, now also notice the "GO!" button. This has nothing to do with "Go Dawgs!" or "Go Hokies!" Stare at this for a while.
5. While you are staring (Step 4) notice the wicked cool choice of "Show Threads" or "Show Posts." If you have to ask "what's the difference?" please stop now, and sell your computer on eBay (no reserve) ASAP.
6. DO NOT CLICK THE ADVANCED SEARCH OPTION AT THIS TIME, lest your head explode, your tard cloth spontaneously combust, the urine-soaked buttons suddenly become bright as newly stamped, and all your hardtack remain mold free for the duration of the hobby.
7. Enter a word into the box. Pick something rarely mentioned on the forum, such as "burnished." See what happens. If you received a few hits reward yourself by having some drink and food. This provides a positive connection for the living historian to remember at a later date how much the search engine yields rewards for positive performance. (Unfortunately, this also leads the living historian to drool all over his keyboard like Pavlov's Dawg whenever he uses the search engine, but we are working on that aspect of the forum.)
8. Now, for the next step. Ready? BOTH FEET ON THE FLOOR, DANGIT! That's better. Okay, take a few moments to find and figure out how to operate the quotes on your keyboard. Kewl, huh? In archaic English, folks used to use punctuation, but that is a topic for the ancient history forum; however, here you can toss in a couple of words into the search engine and bookend them with quotes? Try this word "library" without using quotes. Give it a couple of moments, and explore your results. Good. Now look up "interlibrary loan" and see what results appear. That's even more way cool than ever before. Yes, if you are under the age of 50 you may need an online dictionary to find out the meaning of the word "library, but at least you can find a few threads with this somewhat obsolete word. Dinosaurs like myself actually remember when libraries had books instead of just DVDs, CDs, and Internet access.
9. Try a few more obscure searches, including, but not limited to:
-knapsack
-oxen
-haversack
-Hoosier
-blanket
-Sutler
-socks
-Sucker
-bayonet
-desiccated
-hardtack
-bayou yeti
-pie
10. Kick back (but don't knock the chair over again) and enjoy the fact YOU can now safely use the AC Forum SEARCH ENGINE thanks to the skills learned in this extremely valuable training session. Your signed certificate of completion (suitable for fire starting) and User's Permit (backup fire starter) will be mailed to you at some point in the future.
Important Note: At this point in time we have no hard scientific evidence to prove or disprove lining your forage cap with aluminum foil improves the AC Forum Search Engine user experience.
Thank you, and happy hunting!
Next: Why "FAQ" translates into "Please Ignore" in 117 different languages....