Addressing Your Husband

[ElizabethClark]

Re: Addressing Your Husband

Look at the class of person being described in the literature, though--middle and better classes are often portrayed with few intimate expressions, while working and lower class folks (the majority of mid-century society) tend toward less formality in private settings. And some mid-century letters, never intended to be seen by non-spousal eyes, are shockingly intimate. So, I don't think we can say one practice suits all... as with most things, there's a variety of options, and the proper path should be chosen after careful consideration. In general, one can't go wrong with a slightly more formal tone, even for working class settings, as many people tried to "ape their betters" and bring themselves up to a perceived "higher class" in manner, if nothing else.

[LindaTrent]

Re: Addressing Your Husband

I agree with Liz, try reading between the lines when you read etiquette books. They were primarily for those who were aspiring to enter the social circles of the upper classes, and not the everyday laboring classes. What I find interesting is as much what they say not to do, as what they say to do.

Etiquette books say things like "In order to appear perfectly well-bred... Use your fork, or spoon, never your knife, to put your food into your mouth." or "Do not walk so fast!" "do not swing your arms." and all kinds of little tidbits like that. Why do they tell you not to do these things? Because these are the things that the non-aspiring laboring classes do, those who aren't of the proper breeding, if you will. And the non-aspiring laboring classes were the ones who made up the vast majority of the population.

Personally, I don't think that the lower classes really followed much in the way of etiquette except maybe as Liz said, they picked up some here and there. No doubt things like how to address people in public, in private, and amongst close friends...

But what I find interesting is that people apparently hid behind the mask of etiquette back then just like some do today. It's interesting to note that on the first page of the introduction to The Ladies Book of Etiquette... it reads:

Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not believe this; be certain that those who profess such a doctrine are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much.

What it all comes down to is, decide what it is you want to portray, and then look into what you think they would and would not have done. I've done extreme upper crust down to eating the crust off the floor, and I probably enjoy something between, what we would call the upper lower and the solid middle classes.

when the father and mother are alone, they would be more intimate with their name calling ...first name, My Love, etc. Would they still be inclined to be that intimate in front of the children? Or would they revert back to the more formal?

As far as what parents might call themselves in front of their children? I've seen a lot of Papa and Mama or Father and Mother. What I've seen is basically that the parents referred to each other in front of the children the way they wished their children to refer to them.

Should I be calling him Mr (Surname) or Captain (Surname)?

Jill, according to Hill's manual I'd say that either Captain or Mister would be just fine. If in a given situation he'd call himself Captain you call him that. If he'd call himself Mr. you call him that. That's my understanding of it anyway.

Linda.

[Mammyk]

Re: Addressing Your Husband

But what I find interesting is that people apparently hid behind the mask of etiquette back then just like some do today. It's interesting to note that on the first page of the introduction to The Ladies Book of Etiquette... it reads:

Quote:
Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not believe this; be certain that those who profess such a doctrine are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much.

Linda- there is much truth to this. I'm sure alot will agree, there are plenty of situations once the guests have left, thoughts of "Glad that's over" enter the mind.

[LindaTrent]

Re: Addressing Your Husband

I'm sure alot will agree, there are plenty of situations once the guests have left, thoughts of "Glad that's over" enter the mind.

:sarcastic Now you've gone and done it. I read this last night in the Ladies' Book of Etiquette Fashion..., 1860, and thought it was hilarious, p. 297.

A gentleman was in the habit of calling at a neighbor's house, and the lady had always expressed to him great pleasure from his calls. One day, just after she had remarked to him, as usual, her happiness from his visit, her little boy entered the room. The gentleman took him on his knee and asked, 'Are you not glad to see me, George?' 'No sir,' replied the boy. 'Why not my little man?' he continued. 'Because mother don't want you to come,' said George. 'Indeed! how do you know that, George?' Here the mother became crimson, and looked daggers at her little son. But he saw nothing, and therefore replied, 'Because, she said yesterday, she wished that old bore would not call here again.' That was enough. The gentleman's hat was soon in requisition, and he left with the impression that 'great is the truth, and it will prevail.'

There are a few other great stories on the same topic that followed the one above on the same page, but to me the above is the best example.

Linda.